From "The Onion" (America's finest news source)
EPA Didn't Know Anybody Was Still Drinking Water
April 26, 2006 Issue 42•17WASHINGTON, DC—Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Stephen Johnson apologized during a press conference Tuesday for what critics called "flagrant oversight and neglect" in monitoring ground- and tap-water quality across the United States, claiming that his department was unaware that citizens were still consuming it. "I can honestly say we had no idea that anyone used faucet water anymore," Johnson said. "Bottled water, sure—I have some here on the lectern. But if there really are people out there still drinking tap water, all I can say is you're better off not knowing what's in there." Johnson added that official EPA policy is that Americans should stick to sports drinks.
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Many Lack Potable Water
September 1, 2004 Issue 40•35
According to a recent U.N. report, more than one billion people worldwide lack access to clean drinking water. What do you think?
Jennifer Gerber -- Auditor
"The law of nature is 'adapt or die.' If those one billion people want to survive, they'll just have to evolve past the need to drink water."
Jesse Miller -- Clerk
"Yesterday, I poured a bunch of water down the drain after cooking some pasta. I could've helped an African with that water. I'm so stupid!"
Mark Kunde -- Systems Analyst
"This problem will be gone as soon as the earth's temperature increases enough to boil the world's lakes and streams, effectively sterilizing them."
Kristin Leffe -- Publicist
"I'm sorry, but if these people are too lazy to refill their Brita pitchers..."
Mark Henley -- Musical Director
"When I was a kid growing up in Love Canal, we didn't have uncontaminated water. Did we complain about it? No. We just shut up and got cancer."