Sunday, July 30, 2006
Uniting Diverse Topics for a Modest Solution By Jonathan Not Too Swift
People are 80% water. That’s a lot of water ladies and gentlemen, just sitting there, going to waste! I, no I mean we, my team and I, propose a two-part plan. For the first part, I pledge that every old person, everyone over 25, be turned into water, so future generations, the young people, will not be abused by global warming or pollution any longer. What good are you if you are over 23 and filled with water that a poor, starving, thirsty, limping, dehydrated child with one eye desperately needs? Folks, I ask of you, I beg of you, please give your water to the children. I have a plan, dear, honored, wonderful, lovely judges. The CRC is creating a machine, the Miracle Maker, which will squish the water out of everyone over 21 years old. Some may say this is inhumane, but let’s be honest folks, look at old people, they’re already covered in wrinkles. Just some applied pressure, and we can squeeze the last bit of water out of them and put it to good use. Pensioners will become raisins soon enough; we might as well help the natural process, so future generations of children will have lots of fresh water for great summer activities, like making ice, filling up the pool, water fights, and having wet t-shirt contests. For the second part of the plan, once the children are well hydrated, they will be moist and juicy, which makes for good eating – mmmm, mmmm, Kentucky Fried Children. It’s finger licking good – literally.