Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Today a Guilder, Tomorrow, the WORLD

Soon this entire map will be covered in yellow and blue

Since its inception, IDEA has issued certificates to forum participants, and, for the past several years, IDEA has issued its own passports. Now, in the form of “Guilders” IDEA finally has acquired its own currency. For years now, IDEA has secretly held the status as one of the world’s first virtual nations. But, now, if the proper geographic location is found, IDEA will soon become a bona fide nation-state. In fact, current evidence points to IDEA’s movement towards national self-determination.

Last week, at various outposts, IDEA was witnessed amassing an army. Troops were engaging in a wide variety of drills, which were excused as “routine.” An IDEA executive claimed, “They’re just a bunch of kids practicing team-building games.”

According to historians, the best
team building activities involve
the armed takeover of a neighbouring

Not all onlookers readily accept IDEA’s public relations machinery. For retired British captain, Joseph Davey Cunningham, “This all seems rather odd. Who in their right mind would engage in team-building for the sake of “practice”? For one, nobody team builds unless they are forced to. And two, has anyone noticed that the bloody forum is over?” Clearly aggravated, shortly after this interview, the esteemed and honest J.D. Cunningham suffered a heart attack.

Promptly handling criticism, IDEA’s vast, ominous, and highly funded PR machine, a giant supercomputer named Judy Two-Bottoms, explained, “The forum may be over, but at IDEA, ‘beep-beep,’ we continually test, ‘beep-beep,’ varying team-building games, ‘beep-beep.’ Our lab of genetically-modified researchers, ‘beep-beep,’ work around the clock devising different methods, ‘beep-beep,’ so complete strangers can embarrass themselves in front of one another ‘beep-beep, ka-choo’.”

Winston Churchill (no relation to the twentieth century leader) disagrees. Winston, an underage circus performer working illegally in England, shook his fuzzy head, “Me don’t thinky me trust IDEA – me no likey da sounds of dat.”

Agreeing with Churchill, a revived Captain J.D. Cunningham fumed, “It’s a disgrace is what it is! Come to your senses, you mindless curs! IDEA is amassing a ruthless army for ruthless military takeovers. They have ruthless troops positioned in three strategic locations!” Cunningham revealed a war map, to angrily point out, “Look! Troops on the west coast, at Willamette Military Academy, and here, on the Eastern naval port of the new York . . . ruthless!” Cunningham gathered his breath and then after settling his rage, continued, in a whisper, “Worst of all . . . they have highly mobile troops in the Netherlands . . . they can reach any major European centre in a matter of hours.” At this point, the honourable, if hot-heated, J.D. Cunningham twirled a lozenge against his teeth and, then, suffered another heart attack.

Recently, two IDEA interns, known by their codenames Lizzie and Jeanne, admitted to having unwittingly collected reconnaissance information. “Lizzie” revealed, “I thought I was just taking pictures at the last forum, but when I returned to the States, they seized my camera, in exchange for five guilders, and told me to draw a map for an underground tunnel system. When I told them I didn’t know what they were talking about, they seized my laptop and they changed my name to Elizabeth.” When specifically asked whom “they” referred to, a distraught Jeanne simply replied, “You do NOT want to know.” Like her colleague, Jeanne’s name was also hastily altered to the more cumbersome Jeannepalooza.

Where will IDEA attack? This question remains unanswered, but the ever-resilient J.D. Cunningham, has a theory. Clutching his chest, Cunningham gasped, “IDEA will attack who ever they want to, because they are BIG BROTHER. Three words: The People Speak!” At this point, the passionate Cunningham suffered yet another heart attack, laughing it off with a sip of the Queen’s finest brandy, to add, “Heart attacks don’t frighten me, but IDEA does.”

Novelist Dan Brown believes this is all the work of the Knights Templar, “IDEA is actually run by a secret organization consisting of a long line of global conspirators.” Appreciative of his own advanced intelligence, Brown confidently smirked, “It’s simple really. TPS, or The People Speak, is an anagram for ‘IDEA will henceforth monitor every debating move you make for a Guilder.' The People Speak is a means for IDEA to rule by having informants in every country reveal all of their secrets by themselves. It’s ingenious really.”

While some, perhaps a few or none, may see IDEA developing into a network of mutual exchange and cooperation between educators through interesting programs such as TPS, all the evidence points to IDEA becoming a maniacal nation-state with severe imperialist intentions. The world is one step away from being under the full sway of IDEA’s evil tyranny.

Here is the famed IDEA secret spy satellite,
used by IDEA "intelligence," (the term is used
in the most generous sense). The IDEA satellite
costs only 3.2 billion Guilders!

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